This is an online resource for the book The Teenager's Guide to the Real World by Marshall Brain, ISBN 1-9657430-3-9. The online resources are offered as a free supplement to the book. They help you access the huge library of material for teenager's available on the Web. For more information on the book please click here.

All the Phases of Teenage Relationships

Here at TG2RW Central, we read lots of letters from teenagers on the subject of relationships. You know how relationships are.... Most teenagers spend a bunch of time searching for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Or if not the "perfect partner", then at least someone to go out with on Saturday night in a comfortable way. Sometimes even that can be really, really hard. [Why is it so hard? See Chapter 10 of The Teenager's Guide to the Real World for some ideas.]

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes. Every single relationship is completely unique. The variations are seemingly infinite. After reading lots and lots of letters, however, you can begin to see certain patterns. The goal of this page is to show you all of the different places you can be on the relationship scale. This page lets you see where you are, and then gives you options and advice if you have a problem. If you have ideas and suggestions, this page also gives you a chance to submit them so that you can help other people.

If life were easy and understandable, here is how the perfect relationship would go:

You are on your own and feeling OK with yourself, but not really seeing anyone.
You meet someone you would like to get to know better.
The two of you decide to go out together.
You both have a really good time on your first date. You can't believe how much you have in common.
You go out again, and again it is great.
After going out together several times you both realize you have found someone special.
You fall in love and continue dating steadily.
You decide to get engaged.
You plan the wedding together and await the day.
You get married.
You live happily ever after.

As you know or are discovering, life is rarely easy or understandable. So things never seem to work out according to this list. There are lots of reasons why things don't work out this way very often. The most important one is that it is really hard for you to find someone who matches your habits, goals, dreams, desires and so on so closely that the two of you would want to spend your entire lives together. Also, as you go out with different people you learn and realize what you do and don't like. It sometimes takes a fair amount of experience to figure out what you like and dislike. For example, how do you know that you like certain breakfast cereals and dislike others? Because you tried them all at one time or another. It's the same way with relationships - you have to try out all different kinds of people to understand what your options are.

You have to expect that it's going to take a little work to find someone who matches you so closely you would be willing to make a lifelong commitment. You or the other person, at any step in all the steps above, may realize that things aren't working out. At that point you have to break up, and breaking up feels bad, so relationships are hard. On the other hand, all you have to do is find the right person just once and you are set for life.

The following table shows you a list of many of the different types of relationship successes and problems people have. See where you are, and click the button to get some ideas on what to do if you are having a problem.

You Are Alone

You are abjectly single. You aren't dating anyone and you have no one you would consider asking out.
You are not going out with anyone, but you have someone you would like to ask out, but you know if you ask that person out he/she would say, "No."
You asked someone out and you knew he/she would say no and he/she did in fact say no and you feel bad about it.
You are not going out with anyone, but you have someone you would like to ask out, and you are pretty sure they like you enough to say, "Yes".
You asked someone out and you though he/she would say yes but he/she in fact said no and you feel bad about it.
You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and there is someone who you would rather not go out with asking you out.
You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and your best friend is trying to set you up on a blind date.
You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and your mother or father is trying to set you up on a date with someone they know.
You are not going out with anyone, you may or may not have someone you would like to ask out, and there is someone who you would really like to go out with asking you out.	Have fun!

You Have Been Out With Someone Once

You have been out with someone once and you really want to see him or her again but he/she does not want to see you again.
You have been out with someone once but you never want to see him or her again.
You have been out with someone once but you never want to see him or her again and he or she keeps calling you.
You have been out with someone once and you really want to see him or her again and he/she wants to see you again.	Have fun!

You Have Been Out With Someone Two or Three Times

You have been out two or three times with someone and you really like him/her but he/she seems to not really like you.
You have been out two or three times with someone and he/she really likes you but you know it is time to end it.
You have been out two or three times with someone and you really do not like him/her and he/she seems to not really like you, but you seem to keep going out because neither of you has anyone else to go out with.
You have been out two or three times with someone and you really like him/her and he/she really likes you.	Have fun!

You Are Going Out Steadily

You are going out steadily with someone and you both really seem to be unhappy.
You are going out steadily with someone and he/she is giving off signals that he/she is unhappy.
You are going out steadily with someone and you think it is time to end it but you partner thinks everything is OK and has no idea what's about to hit him/her.
You are going out with someone you really like but all of a sudden this other person who you would rather go out with has started making it obvious he/she would like to go out with you.
You are going out with someone you sort of or don't really like and all of a sudden this other person who you would rather go out with has started making it obvious he/she would like to go out with you.
You are going out steadily with someone and you both really seem to be happy.	Have fun!

You Are Getting Engaged

You are a girl and you have been going out with a guy for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but you don't know how to move it along.
You are a girl and you have been going out with a guy for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you said something about it the guy told you it wasn't time yet, or he wasn't ready for that, or you were rushing things, or whatever. The guy wants to keep going out, however.
You are a girl and you have been going out with a guy for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you said something about it the guy dumped you.
You are a guy and you have been going out with a girl for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you gave her a ring she dumped you.
You are a guy and you have been going out with a girl for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged but when you gave her a ring she asked for more time.
You are a guy and you asked a girl to marry you and you gave her the ring and she said, "YES!"	Congratulations!

You Are Engaged

You are happily engaged but you are starting to have second thoughts or get cold feet.

You are engaged but you are certain it was a mistake and it is time to end it but you are afraid you will hurt your fiancee.
You are engaged but you are certain it was a mistake and it is time to end it but it is only 2 days to the wedding.
You are happily engaged and you and your fianc�e are happily planning the wedding.	Congratulations!

You Are Married

You are happily married.	Have fun!
You have been married two weeks and one or both of you know it was a mistake.
You have been married a few years and you have both gotten to know each other really well and you are more in love than ever.	Fantastic!
You have been married a few years and one or both of you is unhappy/bored.

You Are Having Problems

You were going out with someone steadily and all of a sudden he dumped you for no apparent reason.
You were going out with someone steadily and all of a sudden he dumped you for another person.
You are going out with someone steadily and he/she wants to start a sexual relationship and you don't.
You were going out with someone, you broke up with him or her, and he or she will not go away. He/she keeps bugging you to start going out again.
You were going out with someone, you broke up with him or her, and now you want him/her back and you don't know what will happen if you ask.
You were going out with someone, he/she broke up with you, and now he/she wants you back and you have no desire to get back together but the person keeps calling you.
You were going out with someone, he/she broke up with you, and now he/she wants you back and you want to get back together but you don't want to seem "easy" and you want the relationship to be different this time.
You are a guy and you have been going out with a girl for a year or two and you think it is time to get engaged and when you gave her the ring she took it but she doesn't wear it and she hasn't said yes.
You were engaged to someone and he/she broke it off for no apparent reason.
You were engaged to someone and he/she broke it off because he/she decided you weren't the right person to marry.
You were engaged to someone and he/she broke it off because he/she wants to marry another person.
You were engaged to someone and he/she left you at the alter.

You Are Not Going Out With Anyone

Being "alone" can either be easy or hard (or somewhere in between) depending on your personality. Let's look at the two extremes:

Being alone can be so hard for some people - it drives them absolutely crazy, to the point of being frantic. They absolutely hate being alone. They might feel that way because they think they will never find someone, or because all their friends have someone and they don't so they don't fit in, or because it's no fun to sit home alone on Saturday night, and so on. The main problem with this state of being is that it feeds on itself - the more frantic you get, the less likely you are to find anyone, so you get more frantic... Eventually you move to a better position.
Being alone is easy and comfortable for other people. If you are confident in yourself and OK being with yourself alone, being "unattached" can be a real opportunity. It means that when the right person comes along you are ready for that person and are free to accept him or her with open arms.

When you are alone, the other problem you have is that you need to ask people out (or wait to be asked out), and that's uncomfortable. Chapter 10 of The Teenager's Guide to the Real World talks about this discomfort. It talks about why people say no when you ask them out and what it really means.

Eventually you will find someone you would like to go out with. At that point all you can do is ask him or her out, or try to spend time with him or her to get to know him/her better in a softer way. There are lots of options: group activities, dances, talking in the hall, meeting at a game, etc. When you ask someone out, there is some probablility that the person will respond with "no." See the next section for more information.

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People Say No When You Ask Them Out

Read the previous section. After you read chapter 10 you will find that "No" doesn't really mean anything. But it will still feel bad, so all you can do is wait a week or two for the sting to go away and then try again. It might seem like the end of the world, especially if it is the first time or two you have asked someone out. Time can heal things like that. Good chapters to read in The Teenagers Guide to the Real World include chapters 9, 10, 11, 14, 15, 24 and 40.

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Dealing with Someone You Would Rather Not See

If a person you would rather not see is bugging you, you have several different options:

You can ignore the person and hope he or she goes away.
You can say something to the person politely to let him/her know you are not interested. Being honest is always a good approach.
You can tell the person in no uncertain terms to never bother you again.
If you try option 3 and the calls continue, then it is likely that the behavior has crossed a line either into harrassment or stalking. It is then time to try escalating to a higher authority.

Option 2 is probably the best one to start with, with option 3 held in reserve and used if necessary and option 4 used only as a last resort.

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Blind Dates

If your friends or parents are trying to set you up on a blind date, you have two options. If you are adventurous you can go for it and see what happens. If not you can politely refuse.

The general problem with blind dates (no matter who sets them up) is that human relationships involve a very complex chemistry involving looks, personality, character traits, habits, mannerisms, and je ne c'est quois. The likelihood of a blind date working is therefore extremely slim. But you never know...

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Being Rejected

One of the fundamental problems with relationships and "falling in love" is that you open yourself to the hazards of breaking up and getting dumped. You may have heard the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before." That sounds great until you are the one being dumped. Then it's a whole different story. It really depends on how much you have "invested" in the relationship in terms of time and energy. The thing that hurts so much about being dumped is that you feel like you have been betrayed. You may also feel like you will die. To lose someone you truly love is, at times, nearly unbearable.

There are situations where you can look at your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can "feel" that "something" is seriously amiss and you can say to him or her, "Is something wrong? If something is wrong please tell me and I will fix it." And the person will look you right in the eye and say, "Nothing is wrong. I'm fine." And then a week later he or she dumps you and you find out there has been "someone else" for a month. Most people experience something like this at least once in their lives, and it is bewildering.

Why does that kind of stuff happen? It happens because relationships are random. There is no explaining why someone falls in love with you in the first place, and there is no explaining why someone falls out of love with you, either. It just happens. When it happens, the only thing you can do is accept it, be thankful for the good times and walk away. That can be incredibly hard to do, especially the first few times you get dumped; but it is the only thing you can do.

Chapter 24 of The Teenager's Guide to the Real World talks about different options you have when you get dumped. Here is an excerpt:

"Imagine that you have been going out with your girlfriend/boyfriend for a year. One day you notice that you are fighting a lot and there is distance growing between you that you do not understand. Several weeks later your girlfriend/boyfriend asks to stop seeing you, and you discover he or she is going out with someone else. Your girlfriend/boyfriend has dumped you for another man/woman! When you ask yourself, "What is my goal?" your mind answers, "To die!" It hurts so bad you cannot stand it. You feel like you have been betrayed, you know you have been completely rejected and humiliated and you do not understand how someone you were so in love with could do this to you. However, after thinking about it for several days, you realize your goal is, "To get past this and get on with my life." What are some of your options?

You can commit suicide.

You can find a handgun and plot to kill your boyfriend/girlfriend.

You can be incredibly depressed and droopy and hide for three months.

You can harass your old girlfriend/boyfriend with 700 phone calls a day pleading with her/him to take you back.

You can walk away from her/him and forget about it. There are, after all, other fish in the sea, and one day you will find someone better. You can also learn quite a bit from the experience.

The first two options are obviously useless and absurd, but it is interesting to lay them out as options so that you can reject them. The disadvantages associated with these two options are so huge that they are discarded immediately. Why would you want to screw up the rest of your life over this girl/guy? That is silly. The third option certainly is easy but has no benefits (see Chapter 15). The fourth one is common but pathetic. The fifth one has the most potential. What if you could actually do that? It would require a good bit of maturity and discipline. For the first week or two it might be very hard, but it is possible. If you could pull it off it would have a lot of benefits and no significant disadvantages. The question then becomes, "What can I do to help myself get past this and not wallow in self-pity?" There are a number of good options listed at the end of Chapter 40 (see also the article on confusion). You might also try talking with someone who has had a similar problem. They could give you advice and insight, and they can also help you gain perspective."

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Starting Over

If you have been going out with someone and you are both unhappy, then it is time to move on. That means you will have to break up and be alone - essentially you go back to square one (see above). Here are some words of encouragement to keep in mind:

You can't make an omlet unless you break a few eggs.
You cannot meet Mr./Mrs. Right without first meeting Mr./Mrs. Wrong.
Don't cry over spilt milk.
If at first you don't succeed, try try again.

In other words, you have to start over and that's life.

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Treading Water

The reason most people tread water with a person they really don't like is because they have no other prospects and the thought of being alone (see above) is terrifying. As long as you recognize you are treading water and let your partner know it so that he/she understands what is going on and agrees, then it might be a way to avoid the terror. On the other hand, it might be better to break up and learn to be with yourself for awhile.

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Breaking Up

When breaking up, the thing to keep in mind is that the reason you date is to find the person you want to settle down with. If you go out with someone once or twice (or for a year) and at some point realize that, for whatever reason, this person is not Mr./Mrs. Right, then you need to end the relationship and move on. In theory the other person will be able to understand that, even though it may be hard.

Once you realize it is time to move on, it is better to announce it immediately rather than holding on to something that will not work.

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Finding Someone Better

There are two possibilities here. One is that you are discovering that the person you are currently with is not Mr./Mrs. Right (see Breaking Up). If that is the case, it is certainly time to break up. On the other hand, you could be suffering from "The grass is always greener on the other side syndrome". The problem with Greener Grass Syndrome is that it can cause an endless cycle, so you need to be careful to avoid it.

Here is an example to help you understand Greener Grass Syndrome. Imagine the most incredible person you could go out with. Imagine the person who, if a genie granted you just one wish, you could go out with and marry. Imagine, for example, the most gorgeous/handsome movie star or rock star in the world. Let's say that you somehow started going out with this person. The first week would be great. The second week would be fantastic. The third week would be OK. But by the fourth week there would start to be some little things that bugged you. For example, the person might do something funny while eating scrambled eggs, or might always want to have his/her back scratched at really inconvenient times, or might not like your pet dog and want you to get rid of it. Whatever. The point is, no matter who you go out with, there will eventually be points of annoyance and conflict. No matter who you go out with, someone prettier/handsomer/smarter/stronger/more caring/etc. is going to come along. Your job in life, in conjunction with your partner, is to learn to deal with these normal human flaws that make all of us unique. That is part of becoming an adult. Either that or you will end up going out with a different person each month for the rest of your life.

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Moving a Guy to Engagement

If you are a girl and you think it is time for you and your boyfriend to declare a lifelong commitment to one another and get engaged, then what you can do is talk to your boyfriend about it. If something doesn't happen within some amount of time (which you set), then probably your only option is to move along. If one of your goals in life is to get married and have a family, then you need to find a man who is ready for the same thing and get going. Staying with someone who does not have the same intentions is a waste of time. In general, a person who will not commit either does not want to get married or is waiting for someone better to happen along.

This all assumes that you and your partner are in your 20s. If you are younger your partner may have a legitimate reason to wait simply to learn how the world works. In general, getting married prior to age 21 is a mistake because of problems with immaturity. The following quote from The Teenager's Guide to the Real World is appropriate:

"A lot of really big things happen in your 20s. As you make the move from teenager to adult you will graduate from college, get your first real job, move out on your own, buy a car, buy a house, start paying taxes, get married, have kids and so on. If you are 15 years old now it is extremely likely that you will be a completely different person in 10 years. You will think about the world differently and you will care about different things. That is the reason why, for example, young marriages (people who get married at age 18) don't last. The two people who get married at age 18 are completely different people by age 25 and they no longer have anything in common. Try to keep this simple fact in mind as you are making decisions as a teenager:

YOU WILL BE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON IN 10 YEARS

Because of that fact, you should try to avoid making big decisions, like marriage, that lock you in to anything permanently."

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Feeling Rushed

If you have been going out with your partner for a year or two and if you are in your mid 20s, then it is legitimate to expect that the next step is engagement. However, you may not want to make the leap just now for a variety of reasons, and having someone bug you about it can make you feel rushed. In general, it is best to approach the situation maturely and ask your partner for some more time. You should both agree on an amount of time (like several months or a year), and then you should revisit the question. See also the previous item.

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Cold Feet

In The Teenager's Guide to the Real World there is a section on something called Buyer's Remorse. Buyer's remorse generally occurs right after you make a biggish purchase. You might get it right after signing the contract on a house or buying a car. All of a sudden your brain starts to work overtime trying to figure out all the reasons why you made a stupid decision. It is an amazingly common reaction.

That same sort of thing happens to a lot of people after they get engaged, and especially as the wedding day approaches. If you look at the section on Greener Grass Syndrome it talks about the difference between deciding that you should not marry this person and succumbing to a "better catch" that happens to make itself available. You have to decide which it is for you.

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Ending an Engagement

See Breaking Up and Greener Grass Syndrome above. Breaking an engagement is a rather drastic step, especially as you get closer to the wedding. However, it would be better to break the engagement than to get married and have to break the marriage.

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Stalled Engagements

If a girl accepts an engagement ring and then never wears it and never says, "Yes", then you have the right to ask for the ring back. Then you get to Start over.

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Pressured to Have Sex

Let's say you have gone out with someone two out three times, you really like this person, and this person asks you to start having sex. If you have made a personal decision not to have sex until marriage, or if you feel that you aren't ready for sex, or if you have any other reason for not wanting to have sex, then the best thing to do is say no. Why would you want to bend your own desires on such an important issue in order to make someone else (who may dump you two weeks later for all you know) happy?

If the pressure continues, the easiest thing to do is dump the person and move on. Neither of you will be happy. If you continue to resist, your partner will be unhappy. If you give in, you will be unhappy. It would be better to find someone who agrees with you on this important topic. There are lots of fish in the sea.

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Annullment

If you get married, and after a month of marriage decide you have made a mistake, then you can have the marriage annulled. An annulment is different from a divorce. Rules vary depending on the state.

What you must consider is whether or not you have an advanced case of cold feet or a legitimate complaint. If there is abuse or illegal activity involved, then you should definitely take action.

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Counseling

If you are married to someone you love but one or both of you are having problems with the marriage, then your first action should be to see a marriage counselor as a couple. A good marriage counselor (who might be a paid professional, a minister, etc.) can help you see many things that are not obvious because you are in "the middle of it." Give it a try before giving up.

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Getting Back Together

Presumably when the two of you broke up, you broke up for a reason. It is important to explore that reason and see if it has been fixed. If not, then you will simply repeat the cycle and break up again. But if you can find the reason for your original break up, discuss it, agree on changes and then stick to them, things will be much better the second time around.

One important thing to recognize is that a lot of time promised changes do not materialize. For example, say you break up with your boyfriend because he hits you or gets drunk or takes drugs or whatever. So he begs to have you back, you both agree the behavior will never happen again, and two months later the behavior is back. All you can do at that point is walk away. And for your own health or safety you must walk away. There are many other good fish in the sea, no matter how hard it may be to convince yourself of that at the moment. Walk away.

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Left at the Alter

Fortunately, getting left at the alter is extremely rare. But in the unlikely event that it happens to you all you can do is pay off the bills (which will be considerable) and start over. What other choice do you have? See also rejection above.

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